


A Life Hardly Lived

by writerdragonfly



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: John never puts himself first, M/M, Pining, References to original character death, Self-Sacrifice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 21:28:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7774384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writerdragonfly/pseuds/writerdragonfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steady on.<br/>[Eventual McKay/Sheppard.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Life Hardly Lived

**Author's Note:**

  * For [respoftw](https://archiveofourown.org/users/respoftw/gifts).



> Okay, so sometimes I start one shots in the middle of the night and debate about whether or not to post. But here one is.
> 
> The entire fic was written around the phrase "steady on". I have no idea why, but it really stuck with me when I was trying to think of short, quick prompts. It didn't stay a short fic, but that's not surprising.
> 
> This is for respoftw, because I can and also, seriously have you read her fics? Amazing.
> 
> It has not been beta-read, so if you catch anything that sounds off, feel free to let me know.

When he's seventeen, he falls in love for the first time and gets absolutely ripped to pieces of it.

 

William's funeral is held on a Thursday morning, bright and sunny without a cloud in the sky, and John's expressly "not invited".

 

The following Monday, he walks into a recruiter's office and leaves with a packet full of information and a promise in his head.

 

-x-

 

Later on, when he's stuck in Antarctica and all the wonder that lays beyond it, when people ask why he joined the Air Force, he says, "I always wanted to fly."

 

It's true, technically, but it's also the biggest lie he's ever told himself.

 

When he was young, he liked model planes and jumping off swings and football and science fiction.

 

But he loved William, and because of that, William (and his mother) died.

 

They'd had plans to attend MIT together, William on a full-ride scholarship and John on a partial. Math and Science, they used to say, together at last.

 

The Air Force is a punishment as much as a gift.

 

 _You can fly_ , it tells him, _but you can't ever fall in love again._

 

-x-

 

He tries with Nancy, he really does. She's beautiful and kind and smart, and he wants to be her husband.

 

It's just, the longer they're together, the harder it is to pretend that he's able to be with her, totally and wholly, and still be happy.

 

"It's okay," she whispers into his shoulder the first time he completely fails to get hard.

 

"It's for the best," she says the day the get divorced, kissing his cheek.

 

It isn't her, not in the least bit. He just... doesn't think he can ever explain that to her, even if she deserves to know.

 

-x-

 

The thing that hurts the most, he thinks, is that his father saw it coming.

 

At least this time, no one died.

 

-x-

 

John thinks he might have gone crazy if his father had offered to drive Nancy home from court the day it was final. like his mother had William the day they died.

 

At least he hadn't been banned from her funeral too.

 

-x-

 

If pressed, John can list his sexual partners on one hand.

 

He wouldn't include William, because they'd never gotten the chance to finish what they started, and well...

 

For a long time, that had been his _only_ sexual contact.

 

_Well, you see my parents interrupted me and my first before we got to the nitty-gritty, and then a drunk driver killed my mother while she was driving them home, so..._

 

One hand, five fingers.

 

John only ever needed three of them.

 

-x-

 

The night his divorce is final, after he smashes a tumbler of scotch on the wall of his father's study, he goes out and gets absolutely plastered and goes home with the bartender.

 

He doesn't really remember it when he wakes up in the morning, but the man is nice enough to call him a cab. 

 

-x-

 

A few years later, he meets a SEAL in a bar.

 

He knows it's stupid and reckless, but in the moment he doesn't give a shit what anyone else thinks.

 

It's rough and good, and for the first time he feels like he might have been missing out on something all those years.

 

But they leave each other in the morning with the express knowledge that it can't happen again.

 

For either of them.

 

"The mission comes first," becomes his mantra.

 

-x-

 

On William's birthday, John makes a decision that gets him cast off to Antarctica with a black mark like a permanent stain.

 

-x-

 

The thing is, John's not unaware that people look at him and see what Nancy saw the first night they met. Something confident and beautiful and seductive.

 

John knows how other people see him, he's just never seen himself that way.

 

-x-

 

But McKay... McKay is another story.

 

-x-

 

McKay is like the best of both of John's fantasies. He's a snarky _genius_ and a confident and honest man, all blue eyes and stubbornness. 

 

But John isn't stupid enough to do anything about it.

 

Last time he loved someone the way he wants to love McKay, he ended up losing the two most important people in his life in the same instant.

 

-x-

 

Except, John feels the pit of his stomach drop just like it had that day when the black cloud clears and McKay is laying on the ground unresponsive.

 

-x-

 

Too fucking late.

 

But that doesn't mean that McKay _ever_ has to know.

 

-x-

 

He doesn't notice anything is wrong until after Chaya permanently returned to where she belonged, but the more time that passed afterward, the worse it got.

 

And then he's remembering the hazy feeling in his chest and suddenly throwing up in the corridor leading to the gateroom, totally disgusted with the lingering feel of Chaya inside his skin.

 

He doesn't know if she'd done it to him deliberately or not, but either way he wants to wash until he feels like a snake shedding skin.

 

 -x-

 

In normal circumstances, he thinks he'd enjoy the comparison to Kirk. Except, not for _this_ , especially not because of _her_.

 

But he doesn't know how to say that to McKay, or how to make him believe.

 

Not without putting his cards on the table and well, John's not in the mood to play poker yet.

 

He's not sure he'll ever be. 

 

-x-

 

He keeps working, putting his life on the line for the people of the expedition, who are quickly becoming Important to him, capital letters and all.

 

Better he die for them to live than anyone else die for him again.

 

-x-

 

Rodney McKay hugs him the night the siege is over and Atlantis is saved, and it warms something in him, makes him feel so much more than he ever had before.

 

He doesn't want to imagine how kissing him would light him up on the inside.

 

-x-

 

He doesn't want to imagine it, but he somehow dreams it anyway.

 

He dreams about being with Rodney McKay in a hundred different places in a thousand different ways a million different times and each one makes the longing somehow more when he wakes up.

 

-x-

 

And Rodney dates.

 

Rodney dates and falls in love and has sex and John...

 

John doesn't.

 

Sometimes it gets to be too much and he sabotages Rodney and he hates himself as soon as the actions are done but he doesn't really regret them as much as he should.

 

-x-

 

He sleeps with Teer only once, and though he's not exactly sure how it happens it doesn't feel like Chaya had afterward.

 

He doesn't get off in the act, even though he summons those myriad of countless fantasies about his best friend.

 

But she lays there afterward, sated and comfortable against him and he doesn't regret it as much as he thought he would.

 

He doesn't do it again though, even when she asks.

 

-x-

 

John loved once, wholly and totally. Rodney would have hated William, but they would have understood each other's science.

 

He wishes he could say that the feelings he had for William, the ones he can still remember clear as day even though decades have passed since he died, are more than what he feels for Rodney.

 

It would be a lie.

 

But they're not less, either. Just... different, except where they're the same.

 

Loving William was like sweet, soft touches, hesitant kisses on cheeks, devotion like a whisper between them.

 

Loving Rodney is harsher, faster, tangled.

 

But no less devoted, even if Rodney never knows.

 

-x-

 

Loving William was like falling, like diving into a warm pond in the summer.

 

Loving Rodney was like flying, like breakneck speed and the wind and the drop all at once.

 

-x-

 

"Do you think you will ever remarry?" a psychologist asks him once, and John leans back and stares up at the ceiling.

 

"Maybe," he lies.

 

I don't think I'm built for that, he thinks.

 

-x-

 

His father dies and all John wants is to sit with Rodney in silence, but even that he cannot do.

 

-x-

 

It isn't that he hates Jennifer Keller, exactly.

 

He just doesn't like her, and he's fully aware it's that dark, insidious jealousy running rampant in his chest that's causing it.

 

-x-

 

"Do you think it's too soon?" Rodney asks one night, sitting next to him on the pier as he shifts his beer between his hands anxiously.

 

"What's too soon?" John asks, even though he can read the answer in Rodney's face.

 

"Asking her to marry me."

 

John wants to say "yes," and "of course" and "it'll never be anything else but too soon."

 

But instead he says, "I think the only person who knows that is you."

 

And Rodney smiles at him, and John's stomach flips, and he wants so badly.

 

"You're probably right."

 

-x-

 

John never does find out why Rodney and Keller break up. He doesn't ask.

 

But just that, a few weeks after it happens, Rodney takes a week's leave and asks to go back to Earth.

 

The thing is, John only finds out Rodney is taking a vacation because Woolsey asks him if he and Rodney intend to leave with the data burst and John has no idea why he's being asked.

 

-x-

 

But then Rodney calls him to the gateroom just before the next trip to Earth is scheduled, a suitcase and John's duffle at his feet.

 

John doesn't say anything, just raises and eyebrow and Rodney flushes and crosses his arms.

 

"Well, you can hardly expect me to go to Hawaii alone," Rodney says in lieu of _hey, John, wanna come with me?_

 

But he isn't as upset as he should be at the unasked question.

 

-x-

 

Mostly John is tired, because he's on the other side of forty and he's in love with his best friend and he wants, more than he expected, to be happy.

 

But it's been years since he last let himself believe he might deserve it, and he doesn't have any idea on how to do that anyway.

 

-x-

 

"Why Hawaii?" John asks him as they're waiting in line at the airport.

 

"It's the only state I've never visited," the edge of Rodney's straight lined mouth twitches upward, "and I thought you might finally teach me how to surf."

 

John can't help the grin that crosses his face at the thought.

 

-x-

 

It takes four days, five nights and an unexpected run-in with a former SEAL and his partner before Rodney actually starts talking about it.

 

“Do you... you said, the only person who would know I was ready was me,” Rodney says, staring out at the dark crashing waves as if they held some answer to a question that John hasn’t heard asked.

 

“That’s not exactly what I said, McKay,” John replies, watching him.

 

And Rodney smiles, just a little.

 

“I started thinking,” he says to John, “about the future.”

 

“Wasn’t that the whole point?”

 

“Not,” Rodney hesitates, “not like that. Not what I _fantasized_ about the future. Just... what I thought it might actually be like, later.”

 

John doesn’t say anything for a long minute, looking past Rodney to those dark waves.

 

“What you could actually see in your future?”

 

“Who I could live without and who I couldn’t,” Rodney says, and when John’s head whips back to look at him, Rodney is staring back.

 

“Did you tell Keller you could live without her or that you couldn’t?”

 

Rodney laughs, a breathy little sound that’s more sigh than amusement, “I told her what I wanted. And then we had breakup sex and she helped me figure out what to do about it.”

 

“She... what are you talking about?”

 

“I want a kid, someday. Maybe two. Sooner than she’d be willing, which I don’t blame her for. But, um, I don’t necessarily need a wife for that. Just uh, a good friend.”

 

“A good... friend?”

 

“I know you’re straight and enjoy bachelorhood, I'm not expecting you to drop everything and suddenly turn into something you're not to raise my kids with me.”

 

John doesn't mean to do it, to start laughing. But once he starts, he can't seem to stop.

 

He knows, as soon as he finally catches Rodney’s eyes again, that he's at least borderline hysterical.

 

“What's _wrong_? What’s so distasteful about the idea of me having--”

 

“ _No_ ,” John finally manages, his head clear, “that's not it _at all_.”

 

“Then what?” Rodney says, and it's almost a yell, “What about me asking if you'd be willing to help me make a family is so wrong?”

 

“Damn it, McKay, there's nothing wrong--” John yells back, and he doesn't know how to explain, how to say, _I'm sorry for letting you believe that I was straight for so long,_ and _I don't know how to come out._

 

So he kisses him, pulls Rodney’s face to his with both hands and kisses him.

 

It's not a long kiss, or even a particularly graceful one. John hasn't really done this, made the first move. Not since he was seventeen years old and the future was ahead of him and nothing hurt.

 

“What the hell, Sheppard, I know I'm not exactly Casanova but I don't want you to act like you want me to make this any easier.”

 

“ _Shut up,_ ” John says, because he doesn't know what the hell to do.

 

“What--”

 

“I am not and have never been straight, _Rodney_ ,” he says, trying to ignore the way his voice catches a little, “and I've never fucking told anyone that before, so forgive me for not knowing how.”

 

“But-- _”_

 

 _“And for your information, McKay,”_ John continues over Rodney’s attempt at saying, well, anything, “I’d carry your damn kids myself if I could.”

 

And Rodney doesn’t say anything to that for a long silent moment, nothing but total and utter surprise on his face and in his wide blue eyes.

 

“Jennifer wouldn’t even do that,” he finally says, “and she said she loved me.”

 

“Yeah, Rodney,” John says, his voice softening over the words against his will, “I know.”

 

-x-

 

“How long have you been in love with me?” Rodney asks, collapsing back on their mattress.

 

“Too long,” John says with a huff that's half sigh and half laugh.

 

“See,” Rodney says, running a hand up John’s arm, “I'm pretty sure I loved you back when you flew a jumper into a hive ship on a one way trip.”

 

“You love me?” John says, and he's upright and leaning over Rodney’s bare chest before he even realizes it, hope singing in his veins.

 

“Well, _yeah_ ,” Rodney says, blinking up at him, “you’re the only person I couldn't live without.”

 

-x-

 

The night before they're due to return to Atlantis, John takes him to a cemetery and introduces him to his parents. It's short and John doesn't know why he does it, just that it felt right.

 

Maybe his father really had learned to be okay with who John was, maybe he made peace with it before he died.

 

Maybe he hadn't. But John knows this.

 

For the first time since he was seventeen, _he’s_ made peace with who he was.

 

-x-

 

William is buried on the other side of the cemetery, near an oak that had broken through the old fence before they'd rebuilt around it.

 

John doesn't think about it before he takes Rodney there.

 

Just does it.

 

“Who’s this?” Rodney asks, staring down at the unfamiliar name and series of dates too close together.

 

“Everyone used to call him Will, but he hated that. I... I always called him William.”

 

John can see when it must click for Rodney, the matching expiration dates.

 

“What happened?”

 

It takes him a few minutes to finally answer, “We were supposed to go to MIT together, in the fall. He told me after I kissed him for the first time that he was waiting to kiss me until then, just in case I punched him.”

 

“You were together?”

 

“He was my best friend, all through high school. And then a few weeks before graduation, I kissed him. We decided to be together, and then we made out for awhile. It was... easy. But my parents came home early that night. My mom went to take him home while my dad screamed at me, but they... they never made it.”

 

-x-

 

Later, in the silence of their motel room late at night, John tells Rodney about Math and Science, about William. He tells him about Nancy and his mistakes, and about falling and flying.

 

And he tells him about the last thing William said to him.

 

_“Steady on, Johnny, it’ll be okay.”_

 

And the thing about it was, John feels like, for the first time, it is.

**Author's Note:**

> My usual interpretation of John is bi/pansexual, but the John in this fic is strictly homosexual. It's just what happened when I started this one, even once I broached the Nancy/John relationship. 
> 
> Comments, questions, and **concerns** are _very_ welcome. I really want to hear what you think.
> 
> Oh, and by the way, I imagine Rodney names their son William. u__u


End file.
